One of the most surprising and scariest emotions I am experiencing since my husband died is anger. I have never been an angry person. If someone made me angry, I would go over in my mind what I would like to say to them and how I would handle that particular situation and then I would stuff all the things that I was feeling. I was never allowing myself to be angry or be honest about my emotions because I didn’t want to ever show my true feelings and possibly hurt someone else with the expression of my words.
This has gone on for over 50 years, but death and grief has opened up the lid to my Pandora’s box and now I am having to deal with everything that’s been hidden inside for so long. As each issue comes out of that box, I have the choice to push it back down into it’s old hiding place or face it. May I say that I never knew I had so much “junk in my trunk”. I always wanted everyone to look at me and think that I had it all together and was always the one making all the right choices. But, it’s very obvious to me now that suppressing so many things for so long was the wrong choice.
Yes, there are times to say something to someone and there are times to be quiet, but my challenge now is to figure out when it is healthy for me to speak up and when I do, how do I voice what I am feeling in a healthy way. I am a person who runs from confrontation and avoids it at all costs. After I married Bob, he stood in the gap for me and took care of the hard things. But, he’s gone now and I have to “grow a backbone” and take care of myself.
One thing I do know for sure is that I can vent all my anger at God whenever I want to. After all, He knows my heart and exactly what I am feeling. He won’t get mad at me for telling Him the truth. He will never turn His back on me for being honest. He made me to feel things as deeply as I do. He knows that I want to please Him and do what’s right.
God, help me to know how to handle the emotions of anger that I am finally allowing myself to feel and help me to know what to do with them. When the time comes that I feel I must speak up and confront someone who has made me angry, help me to know what to say and how to say it.
Help me to not only be honest with You, but to learn how to be honest with others when I feel angry. Everything in my life has changed so much since Bob went to be with You and I don’t know who this person is that I am becoming. In fact, this person frightens me. Help me in this journey and transition because I cannot do this on my own.