Written May 7, 2011
I just realized that I am afraid of you. I know that sounds strange, but it is the truth. You see, I “hoped” and prayed that Bob would get better, but he didn’t. I “hoped” that we would enjoy long years as empty nesters, but we didn’t. I “hoped” that when the time came for my parents to go to heaven, my husband would be by my side to comfort me and help me through that, but he wasn’t. I “hoped” that Bob and I would grow old together and walk together through our last years as senior citizens, but it didn’t happen.
I don’t trust you, Hope. You can’t be depended on or relied on. I’m afraid that if I start to have just a little glimmer of hope, that “hope” will be dashed all over again and I cannot bear that.
The only thing I DO have hope in is that I KNOW I am going to heaven and I KNOW I will see Bob and my parents again.
So, where do we go from here? How do I get past being afraid of you? How do I have you in my life again?