Letter to Friends

This letter was written almost a year after my husband died. I can honestly say that I have worked through my hurts,  been able to let go of my expectations and no longer feel anger.

Dear friends,

Thank you for being there for me during my husband’s illness and for his burial.  Thank you for all the kindnesses you showed us and all the words you said assuring me that you would walk through the journey of grief with me.  I was so comforted by it all.

Some of you made some statements that weren’t comforting at all such as:  “He’s in a better place now.”  “Time will take care of this.”  “He was so ill.  This shouldn’t have come as a surprise to you.”  “It was God’s will.”  “I’ve been through a divorce and know what you are going through.”  “Heaven needed him more than you.”  I know you meant well, but those words made me feel as if my husband was unimportant and God doesn’t love me.

But, where are you now?  It’s as if when my husband died, I died too.   You haven’t called to just check on me or to see if I just needed someone to talk to.  So many times I have needed you in that way, but you haven’t been there.  I feel like I have this big “W” on my head that scares people away.  It’s like being a leper in a leper colony that no one can stand to look at and avoids.

I would love for someone to just ask me if I’d like them to go out to the cemetery with me or to call and ask if they could bring me some soup.  But, no one does.  What is happening?   I’ve not only lost my husband and the person that I was, but now have I lost my friends/our friends as well?  Why?  If I ever needed you in my life, it’s now.

Going through this grief is so confusing and deeply painful way down in the depths of my soul.  I know that you cannot understand that because none of you have been in this place and I wouldn’t wish you to be here, but I need you now like I’ve never needed you before.  Your lack of care and concern for me makes me even more sad if that’s possible.

Please don’t ever tell a widow “I’ll be here for you and we will walk this journey together” and not be willing to do it.  Not ever having any contact with me at all since the graveside service has been devastating for me.  It would have been better if you had never ever said those words.

Pastor, you were there for us during all those long stays in the hospital, in the ICU conference room right after we were told that my husband was in heaven and even spoke at the Memorial Service and at the graveside.  I thought you really cared, but I haven’t heard a word from you since then and it’s been almost a year.  Is this how a pastor shepherds his flock?

I feel not only saddened by all of this, but I also feel deeply wounded.  I know it will only harm me to be angry and I will tell you that I have felt much anger towards you all and even resentment.  But, I refuse to become bitter about this.  Instead I am learning the right way to respond to another person going through the grief walk and hopefully I will get it right and be there for them the way that I wish others were here for me now.

I didn’t really “get” grief before at all.  No one ever talked to me about it nor did I ever receive any instruction on how to grieve nor how to help someone who is grieving.  So, I have failed others in their grief walk as well simply out of complete ignorance.  I will now do better because I KNOW from first hand experience what grief is all about.