Where Are You Stepping?

Sleep was one of the things in my life that was greatly affected during the last months of my husband’s life and now afterwards.  My oldest daughter Leah suggested that I listen to a book on CD when I go to bed at night.  So I purchased Jan Karon’s Mitford series and every night when I go to bed I listen to the voice of John McDonough as he weaves the tales of the life of Father Tim Kavanagh.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve listened to each and every book in that series during the last 2 years.  That soothing voice puts me to sleep each night.  When I wake up during the night and find my mind racing unable to fall back to sleep, I reach over in my bed, turn the CD player back on, and it lulls me back to sleep.

The characters in the books have become my family and even my friends as I share their lives with them.  I feel the emotions of all of the ups and down of their lives and find myself wishing that I were a resident of Mitford.  Many times I find God speaking to my heart through something that is said and this morning was one of those times as I was again listening to the book  A NEW SONG.

Father Tim was preparing to leave with his wife Cynthia to go to an interim position on Whitecap Island after his retirement.  He’d been a rector in Mitford for over 16 years where he had come to love not only his parishioners, but also the residents of this little town.  Getting around to say good-bye to everyone as he tried to get his house ready to rent as well as decide what to take plus worrying over leaving his teenaged son in charge of a dear friend so that he could work there for the summer was taking a toll on him physically and emotionally.

He made a last visit to see one of his dearest old friends Louella who was now living in a nursing home there.  Louella immediately sensed the turmoil he was in and commanded him to sit down on her footstool where he felt like a 9 year old boy again and loved it.  They sang an old hymn together lifting their voices to the heavens and Father Tim began to feel himself relax.

They were silent for a moment.  “Now!  That feels better, don’t it.  You pushing too hard!” said Louella.

“You have to push hard, Louella,” said Father Tim.

“Maybe you done stepped around the Lord and trying to lead the way, “said Louella.

Bam!  Those words hit me in the heart as I began to think about my own life.  When I first became a widow and was in that place of total and complete shock, there was a dependence on others that was necessary to make it through for awhile.  But, when I came out of that shock, I felt this fierce need to be totally independent of others.  I don’t want my family or friends to see me as a millstone around their necks.  There were admittedly times when I have pushed too hard.

In this place of independence, do I step around the Lord and am I trying to lead the way?  I have to admit as I have been pondering this that I understand that I don’t know the way and I need the Lord to lead me by the hand now more than I’ve ever needed Him before.  But, I do know that I have a stubborn streak and need to be mindful of stepping around Him and trying to lead the way.  There’s a danger in “freedom”.