I’d been doing so well focusing on the real meaning of Christmas. So, it surprised me yesterday when that old deep, deep pain of grief totally and completely blindsided me. It woke me again at that familiar time of 4 a.m. this morning and is still sitting squarely on top of me. I thought perhaps it would be different this year, but it’s not and I’m wondering if it ever will be.
My 9 year old granddaughter Elizabeth has also been struggling this week as she’s asked my daughter Leah why God can’t let her Pa come back just for Christmas. No answer Leah gives her is what she wants to hear. My answer is that it would be too hard for us to say good-bye to him again and to let him go back. Never mind that he wouldn’t want to come back after being in heaven for even a fraction of a second.
Facing the activities of today loom ominously ahead. My mask came off yesterday, but I must try to put it back on today and keep it on for a little while.
Reflections From My Porch Swing 
I stopped to read your blog this morning as I was dragging my feet preparing for this day of celebration. This is my first Christmas in over35 years without my sweet Eddie. Crying through Christmas makes me cry was cathartic. The line that galvanized me to celebrate today was tabout God’s love for us. Jesus’ birth exemplifies God’s great love. Little reminders focus my heart today. Thank you my friend
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Ohhh Candy, I so know how you feel today. I too was blindsided yesterday, and again this morning. Tried very hard to go to church, had my coat on, puppy was crated, keys in my hand,, then remembered I didn’t have an offering for the colletion, Bart always took care of that! I am still crying. I know God understands, there is no building to hold God or HIs Love, Church was just another thing that made us one. I can’t say Merry Christmas or Happy New Year and mean it from my heart yet, so I will keep you in my prayers and my wish for you is solace, comfort, and rest.
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Yesterday because of a number of overwhelming family issues, I spent my first Christmas morning alone–ever. It is my fourth Christmas without John, and probably my worst one yet. Spent Christmas Eve alone, as Pam says, tried to go to Church, but a seemingly small thing set me off and carried over into Christmas morning. All the masks came off and there I was–all flesh, exposed, raw and terribly vulnerable. I have learned to call grief a “stalker” because it stalks you and leaps out at the most inopportune moments– Christmas morning of all things–when the the world is supposed to be sleeping in Heavenly peace! Learning to abide in Christ during these times is essential for me. Jesus, living exactly His life through me–me living “from” Jesus, not “for” Jesus, focusing on Him, not on my events. I know these things, but holidays seem to find a way to siderail this train huh? Today He will have to mop up my mess from yesterday.
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Bless you, my dear friend. May you feel the love and embrace of those around you. May God comfort your broken heart.
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