Last week another widow suggested listening to Tillian Tchividjian’s messages on “The Gospel of Suffering”. On Wednesday I listened to the 3rd message talking about the sovereignty of God and the light bulb in my head began to flicker. All of this time I have been in denial that it was God’s will for my husband to leave this earth and go to heaven. In my mind I have blamed those in the medical field and even my own lack of faith.
For the last 2 years and 2 months the questions of “Why, God??!!” and “How could You do this to me??!!” have echoed through my mind and I couldn’t find the answers. After awhile, I realized that even if God gave me an answer, I wouldn’t like it because I just wanted my husband back on earth with me well and healthy. I also realized that when I get to heaven, I won’t care to know the answer to those questions. After all, what will it matter then?
During all of this time, I chose not to turn my back on God. I KNEW that He is all that I have now to get me through my grief journey and through the rest of my life.
But now I am seeing with my heart that God is in control. He is really sovereign and had all of Bob’s days numbered before He ever created him. God already had planned that Bob was going to die on November 10, 2009. He knew that I was going to become a widow on that day. He knew that my Mom was going to die on January 2, 2010 and that my Dad was going to join her and Bob in heaven on March 25, 2010.
God didn’t take my husband and my parents because He didn’t love me. He didn’t do it to break my heart and shatter my faith. He didn’t do it because I didn’t have enough faith. Nor did He do it to punish me. He didn’t take them to pull the rug out from under my feet and have grief sit up top of me fist pumping in victory.
I accepted Christ as a 9 year old girl and for the last 50 years I have followed Christ. In my head I knew that God was sovereign, but Wednesday morning that sovereignty became more of a reality to me in my heart. As deeply painful as my grief journey is and as hard as it is, I can say that slowly but surely and one by one the lights of the truths of who God really is are starting to burn.
One thing my Mother said to me in the last months of her life was, “Candy, don’t you like to go to school (meaning God’s school of learning and growing and maturing)?” My immediate response was, “Not when it hurts this much!” I would never have chosen this plan for my life, but because of this beginning reality of the sovereignty of God, acceptance is beginning to dawn.