I have a confession to make. In the last 3 weeks through two different sources – a series of messages I am listening to and a personal Bible study that I am doing at home – I have had a sudden realization of something in my life. Had God spoken to me about this in the years before my husband died, I would have quickly dismissed that thought as totally preposterous. If He had spoken to me at the beginning of my grief journey, I’m sure I wouldn’t have even heard Him. Had He chosen to speak to me about it within the last two months, I certainly wouldn’t have believed it was true. One thing I am finding out is that God doesn’t speak to me until my heart is ready to receive what He has to say.
It seems that I have some idols in my life. Ever since I was in grade school the need to have a very close friend has been extremely important to me. In fact, I have measured my worth by having at least one if not two very close friends who found me to be someone valuable enough to be in their innermost circle of most trusted friends – someone who was special.
As I grew older, I looked to a man to give me a sense of beauty and belonging as well as a sense of being chosen, wanted, and most treasured. That man was my husband. I put him up on a pedestal and my total value, significance and security was in being the wife of Bob Feathers. Thirty-seven years of my life were centered around him and that affected not only everything I did in my life, but everything I thought about myself.
Now I find myself stripped of those people that meant the most and were the most precious to me. I do not have any very close friends here in the place where I live. My husband is in heaven and for the first time in my life all those on my pedestals are gone and with them has disappeared my identity. I am no longer Mrs. Bob Feathers. All my idols are gone.
So, where does that leave me? Who am I now and where do I find this worth that I so value? Who or what is going to fill this “Bob-shaped” hole in my heart? Who or what is going to fill this “very close friend here-shaped” hole in my heart? That is what God has been quietly talking to me about.
My former closest friends here and my deceased husband were gifts. I looked to those gifts instead of God the Giver to fill me and fulfill me with lasting security and significance. God made my heart to worship and find my value in Him alone. That word worship comes from two words to form “worth-ship”.
Now that I have realized and acknowledged the two biggest idols in my life, I need to begin applying the truth of what I have learned.
Lord, when I am tempted to measure my value by how many “very close friends here” that I have, I will stop. Then I will thank You for your measureless grace that determines my value, which is not measured by the number of real friends who find me worthy of being in their innermost circle, but by Your love for me.
When I am tempted to measure my value by having a husband to love and cherish me, I will stop. Then I will thank You for Your unconditional and unfailing love that determines my value, which is not measured by my position as the wife of someone, but by being a woman of God.