There’s one thing that became very real to me when I became a widow and that is that I can’t live a day without Christ. I accepted Christ as a 9 year old girl and have lived all my life following Him. In the busyness of being a wife, mother of four daughters and home schooling, I didn’t have that one-on-one close fellowship with Him. From the time I woke up in the morning until I hit the bed at night, my mind was filled with all of the things that I needed to get done for that day.
It wasn’t until I became chronically ill at age 38 that my fellowship with Christ got back to where it should have been all along. My life as I had known it stopped completely and I wasn’t able to do, do, do all the things that I thought God wanted of me. I began to draw closer to Him and finally have that one-on-one relationship that is what He so much wants to have with us and wants us to desire to have with Him.
Years passed and one day my husband came home with a terminal diagnosis. We were empty nesters and this wasn’t what we had planned for our later years of life. I drew even closer to Christ as I worked hard to do all that I could do to enable my husband to stay with me on this earth. I saw a deeper, more intimate spiritual side of Bob that I had not seen and we had such sweet fellowship together with God – especially in his last months of life.
The day Bob died for the first time I felt completely betrayed and abandoned by God. I could not pray anymore or read my Bible. My heart was filled with all those questions that you have when you lose a loved one and I remember saying, “I HAVE to know why God didn’t answer our prayers! I HAVE to have an explanation for this!”
Two years and 3 months have passed now. I still wonder what God’s reasoning was, but I am not demanding an explanation anymore because I know that no matter what explanation God might give me, it would not be good enough and when I get to heaven, I won’t bother to ask the reason why because I’ll have so much joy at that point that I simply will not care.
I’m reading my Bible every day and am even able to read the four Gospels now with tears running down my cheeks as I read the accounts of all those people that Jesus healed while here on earth. Yes, I still wonder why those people were singled out to be healed and why my husband wasn’t. I have to admit that.
I’m also able to pray now even though to this point my prayers are for the most part consistent of “God, please help me!”. Slowly I am branching out a little beyond that, but it’s taking time. The part of prayer that always came so easy before – asking God for something for myself or for someone else – is now very, very difficult. I”m glad that God knows my heart and can hear all the things that my heart is saying but my lips cannot.
One thing I know for sure is that God is everything to me now. There is no one on this earth that loves me as much or like He does. There is no one who is with me all the time like He is and there is no one who understands me or knows me completely like Him.
Jesus and heaven are more REAL to me now than they have ever been before. They are truly REAL and I can’t even begin to image the JOY my husband embraced the moment that his heart stopped as he took his last breath here and the gasp that he gave as he opened his eyes in heaven taking in his first breath of celestial air in astonishment at the beauty and the glories of heaven!