An Uncontrollable God

It wasn’t until the morning my husband died that it really hit me that God is in control and not me.  I realized that no matter what I did nor what I tried to make happen, if it isn’t a part of God’s plan for my life, it was not going to be.

Tullian Tchividjian says, “It scares us when we realize that God really is in control.  The idea that our relationship to God is not based on our behavior scares us because we want God to play by our rules.  I can work really really hard at being good.  I want God to work by my rules – ‘If I am good to You, You will be good to me and give me the life that I deserve‘.  My relationship to God is not based on my good behavior because it demonstrates to me just how uncontrollable He is.

The very thing that prompts our “why” question is unbelief in WHO God is.  If we were perfect in our understanding of WHO God is, we would never ask why.  The WHO would be satisfying to us.  There is a tremendous comfort in knowing that God is bigger than I am.  Our faith can either be in an explanation or in God’s good and unchanging character. So when God starts bringing things into your life that are hard, it offers you the perspective that you need to realize that God is not distant.”

I haven’t been able to even begin to take some of this in until now at the beginning of the 3rd year of my grief journey simply because I haven’t wanted to even entertain the thought since Bob died that God is good.  This person that I have become that is lying under the floor boards is beginning to slowly raise her head in willingness to try to really “see” the truths that I have been taught and thought I really believed since I was a 9 year old girl.  It’s one thing to hear them, but it’s a completely different thing when you are actually experiencing and living through something that is very hard.

Many times I’ll hear someone say either in person or in a Facebook post “God is good” when God has answered their prayer and my first thought is, ‘I wonder if you would say that if God had not answered that prayer the way you wanted Him to’.

Have you struggled with God being uncontrollable?


One response

  1. Have I ever! When John became ill I was introduced to a book called “Sidetracked in the Wilderness” by Michael Wells. It changed my entire perspective on who God is. I saw from this book that I was what he called an “unbelieving believer.” I had been a believer for many years, but when it came down to putting honest to goodness feet on the ground of my faith, I realized that I was disappointed that God would allow something so difficult into my life. My feelings were hurt! Hadn’t I been faithful to Him? Hadn’t I been serving, teaching Bible studies, discipling women into the deeper life? Wasn’t I the one people came to for advice on the deep truths of the Bible? Only the big, big disappointments, sufferings or griefs of life expose what is in our deepest belief system. Thankfully, Jesus was only interested in exposing this in me so that He could heal it and redeem it, not in punishing me for my unbelief. He really is good, but we only realize that when we discover Him at the bottom of our deepest pit.


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