Written Nov. 10th, 2010
Last time this year I was very angry with you for not answering our prayers the way that we had asked You to. I felt so betrayed by that, yet there was no way that I was going to turn my back on You because I still love You. I know that doesn’t even make sense, but it is the truth.
In my journal to Bob recently I wrote, “There were many times in our marriage that I didn’t understand why you did things the way that you did them, but I always knew that you loved me.” As soon as I wrote that, I realized that exactly describes what my understanding of You needs to be, Lord.
Oh, I’ve had my doubts about that love because there were so many times that I haven’t been able to feel Your love. And, You know how sensitive I am and how much I NEED to feel Your love all the time. But, if I can just think about You the same way that I thought about Bob knowing that even when I couldn’t understand his ways, he still loved me, You will make more sense to me.
Do I want Bob back now? Yes and no. Yes, because he so much completed who I was here on earth. No, because I know that he could never be happy here again – not even with me beside him. My love would not be enough and I know that now. I long to experience all that he is experiencing without me. We were never apart for more than a week. We did almost everything together and now he’s doing this by himself and I’ve got to wait.
Thank You for helping me to find Dr. Trathan,, Christy, and Widow’s Walk. Thank You for giving them this HUGE heart for widows and not only a heart, but this urgency to not sit around just thinking of ways to help us, but for the feet and some finances to act on it. It’s one thing to think about doing something. It’s totally another thing to act on it and really do something about it. Good intentions aren’t enough. There are so many of us out there crying to You, Lord, for help to get through this hard and very painful journey of grief.
Thank You for helping me make the choice to mine for gold and not for ore. I’ve already found the richest gold nuggets of friendship and love from these widows in group and I’ll be forever grateful for that. Oh, how much I needed that in my life and You knew it.
Thank You for how you are using these 3 greatest losses of my husband and both my parents in my life to force away the cobwebs and throw open the doors on things in my heart – doors that I had slammed shut, sealed, and barricaded for so many years of my life and things that needed so badly to be dealt with. Thank you for using people in my life – even complete strangers – to say to me exactly what You want to say and to let me know that You really do love me no matter what I am feeling or thinking.
You are my Strength when I am weak, You are the treasure that I seek,
You are my All in All!
Seeking You as a precious jewel, Lord, to give up, I’d be a fool!
You are my All in All!
It’s just me and You now, Lord. It’s just me and You and Your Spirit in me says that You are enough. Help me to really “get” that truth, Lord.
I still love you, Lord.