“We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it as clearly as God sees us, knowing Him directly just as He knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.” I Corinthians 13:12-12 MESSAGE
The day my husband died everything changed. Nothing in this world was important to me anymore. Time stopped and did not matter. Life became very short. Material goods faded into the background. Eternity yawned in front of me and heaven became the most real place in my life.
Death made me realize for the first time that truly this world is not my home. It is a bus stop where I am waiting for the bus to pick me up. It is Grand Central Station where I am passing time before boarding the train for my final destination. It is a football stadium where I am either sitting in the stands watching others play the game of life or I am down on the field joining in the game of life.
When I became a widow I immediately left the field of life and was hurled to a seat in the stands. And I did not care. Without my quarterback I did not want to be on the field. There was no way in my mind that my “game” could possibly go on without him. We had been playing the game of life together for almost 37 years and he had been taken out of it way too early.
My husband had always been the one that made the important decisions for the both of us. He was the one that provided for me and took care of me. My job had been to take care of our home and work with him in raising our daughters and I absolutely loved it. It was what I was designed to do and I viewed it as my highest calling.
Our daughters were grown and we were empty nesters. Our first daughter had been born fifteen months after we got married and five years later we had completed our family of 6. We had no time for ourselves. So, when the empty nest period came, it was a wonderful time. And, when my husband took an early retirement two years before he died, it was one of the happiest times in our lives. To have that happiness snatched away from me has been devastating.
My view of myself has changed. I no longer have a strong person to depend upon. I am not a wife nor am I a daughter-in-law. I am not even a daughter anymore because both my parents joined Bob in heaven. I have to make all of the decisions now and be the one in charge. This is the place that I never in my life wanted to be. I am a follower and not a leader – an introvert and not an extrovert.
The biggest thing that has changed is my view of God and I do not like that. My faith has been so shaken that it is hard to fully and completely trust Him now. I know that is not right and I do not want it to be this way, but for now, it is.
God, help me to find the right corrective lenses so that in time I can be able to view myself and my life the way that You view it. Help me to find out exactly who I am and what my purpose is in this game of life. Most of all, help me to see You as You really are and not like I think You are. Help me to trust You more than I was ever able to trust You before and give me such peace in that trust.