After the death of his brother, Larry Crabb prayed this prayer:
“Lord, I know that You are all I have, but I don’t know You well enough for You to be all that I need”.
This so aptly says what I am feeling myself. I know that God is all that I have, but I don’t know Him well enough for Him to be all that I need. And, I don’t want to go through any more painful things in my life in order to get to the place where I know Him well enough to be all that I need.
So, where do I go from here? Does getting to know God better always come as a result of all the pain that I am already going through as a widow or do there have to be more painful things in my life to get to that point? I don’t know the answer to that, but I’d like to know because God IS all that I have and I need Him to be enough to get me through the rest of my life here on earth.
I have realized that I have a poor view of God not really knowing that He really loves me. A few days ago I was sharing with my youngest daughter how when I look back over my life, I see that I have not really loved myself since I was a young girl. There were those who told me that I was not pretty enough to ever be desirable as a girlfriend. Our peers are often cruel and I don’t blame them for my insecurities, but those words deeply wounded me. A few years later when I was finally asked out as a high school senior, my date never showed up and I was left sitting on my front porch step deeply crushed.
Two years after that I met my husband and he had the job of convincing me that he really loved me just like I was. Throughout our marriage he would say, “Do you know that I love you?” Yes, I did know that he loved me and I felt loved by him, but deep down I don’t think now that I truly “got” the extent of his love for me.
Now I am on this desperate journey to come to the realization and really “get” that God loves me so that HE will be enough for me. Do you really know that God loves you? Do you know Him well enough that He is all that you need?