(Written 1 1/2 years into my grief journey)
That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons (and daughters) of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world. Philippians 2:15
This morning as I lay listening again to the book At Home in Mitford by Jan Karon, I heard these words spoken by one of the main characters who happens to be a very wise lady in her late eighties, “The firefly only shines on the wing. When we stop, we darken.”
That thought instantly struck me. Grief has caused me to stop and fold my wings for awhile now. Occasionally they have fluttered slightly and there have been tiny slivers of flickering light that have flashed in short bursts in this dark place.
I know that it is time for my light to try to begin to shine again for God tells me that as His daughter His job for me in this world of corruption and sin is to shine like a star lighting up the sky. A star is not like a match that is struck, shines brightly for a minute and then flickers and goes out only to be finished with the job and never to shine again. No. A star lights up the dark night sky. It shines brightly and faithfully through the night hours and holds out hope to the world.
My husband’s God-given assignment is over, but mine is not no matter how much I might feel that it is. Yes, I lost my husband and both of my parents in four months’ time and it has been devastating to me to know that all three of their assignments were finished so very closely together in time. But I am still here and there is a reason for that even though I have yet to discover exactly what that reason is.
One thing is sure. This firefly must again take up her wings and begin to fly through this pitch-black, rayless tunnel – this place that is gloomy, foreboding, mournful and seemingly hopeless. I must begin to flutter my “wings” so that my light begins to shine again encouragingly and hopefully. This is my job as I know it now and it feels almost too hard to do, but to stop doing it is to go completely dark.
Oh, dear Lord, You know that it’s going to take a lot of energy for me to take up my wings again and shine. You know also that it would be much easier to just continue to sit in this darkness and do nothing. I ask You to help me to use the strength that You’ve already made available to me in order to lift my wings today and let the world begin to see longer bursts of light coming from my direction again. And in time may my light again burn brightly as I go on alone with whatever assignment You have for me.
Thank you that Your light never goes out. Your Word says that You are not only a lamp that shines right at my feet guiding me, but it is a light ahead of me on this path. I need You, Lord!