Distancing or Focusing

“Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith….”  Hebrew 12:2

(Written sixteen months after my husband went to heaven)

During the last few months of my husband’s fight for life,  I felt like he was slowly distancing himself from me.  There would be long lapses of conversation and little really personal interaction between us except for helping him with all the things that he needed help with.  He never opened up and talked with me about what he was feeling or what his fears were.  I knew that his heart was very tender because he would cry when he prayed or when he would just suddenly burst into song.  His tears were something I had only ever seen twice in our over thirty-six years of marriage.

For the first time as his wife,  I felt somewhat disconnected from him and shut out of his life to an extent.  I realize several things about that now.  First of all, he was trying to protect me.  He knew how very afraid I was and that I did not want to even entertain the idea that he might not live.  He knew how hard I was fighting to keep my emotions together and how strong I was trying to be.

More importantly, I know now that Bob was more and more each day fixing and focusing his eyes on Jesus.  He must have felt that his life in this world was beginning to fade as each day passed.  His personal relationship with God had always been tremendously important to him and as his days were in that final stage, it became ALL important.  He must have known at that point that it was just him and God.  That relationship was his only hope and in his death, it became his reward.

Sixteen months into this grief journey and I am still looking back at what we had together.  There comes a time when I have to say, “I’ll see you later, my darling” and bring my eyes forward as this journey brings about the changes in my life that God has intended for me.  Oh, how very hard it is for me to do that!  My life was so tightly bonded to his that it is torturous for me to try to separate myself from him.

Oh God, please help me to somehow take that first step and tell Bob good-bye for now.  You know that I really don’t want to do that, but I know that at some point in time, I MUST do that in order to be able to move forward without constantly looking back over my shoulder at the life that Bob and I had together. 

It is so completely overwhelming for me to try to imagine living the rest of my life without him.  He was my safety and security.  I knew that he was going to always take care of me and I would never be alone.  But, all of that has changed now that he is with You. 

I don’t know how You are going to do it, Lord, but somehow redirect my focus now to You.  Help me to look at You despite all of the distractions going on around me for it is only in looking at You that I can be completely obedient to Your plan for the rest of my life.