“And I said, My strength and my hope is perished from the Lord in remembering my affliction, and my misery, the wormwood and the gall. My soul hath them still in remembrance and is humbled in me. This I recall to my mind. Therefore I have hope. It is of the LORD’s mercies that we are not consumed because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy (the LORD’S) faithfulness. Lamentations 3:18-23
(I wrote this devotional during the first 18 months of my grief walk. Without HOPE, I would have given up. Without HOPE, I would have nothing to look forward to. Without HOPE, there is no hope. Thank God for the HOPE that we have in Him.)
The moment my husband died, the hope that I had been carrying around for his healing was immediately snuffed out. My hope in God to act on our behalf was completely gone. There was such an emptiness inside of me. All was lost. It was over. It was finished. God had not answered our prayers. I felt my hope in Him on very shaky ground.
This passage in Lamentations so aptly describes how I felt and how I continue to feel in times of despair even now. My endurance and victory has strayed away and is lost and so is my hope in God. My trouble and misery and grief is always on my mind. That is why I am bowed down with depression.
But in my mind, I keep returning to something that gives me hope and that something is that the goodness, kindness, and faithfulness of God has not been completely destroyed or exhausted. His tender mercy and love that comes from the deepest parts are never used up and will never end. They are fresh at the end of my night and will bring bright joy after distress. More than enough is God’s faithfulness.
To say that this time in my life is a time of great distress is an understatement. Every day there are tears and deep, gut-wrenching crying that erupts from the very depths of my soul. “Help me, God! This is so hard!” are words that He hears me saying many times a day.
Yet, it is true that there is still this very tiny flicker of hope inside of me that all that I have believed about God all of these years is not in vain. He is still here loving me with His great compassion. Even in my depression, my soul somehow knows the truth and holds onto it with all that I have. I saw my husband hold onto God all the way to the end and that memory is something that I take out and look at every day. It is one of the things that keep me holding tightly to my relationship with God.
My hope in God has been tried and tested and found imperishable even in the midst of the worst loss of my life and in this journey of deep grief.