(Written 14 months into my grief journey. I find that now almost 3 years later I am not plagued with the “Why?!” questions so much anymore. My questions now are “How?! How can this be a good plan for me, Lord?!”)
“For thus saith the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not. Isaiah 30:15
As I awoke this morning, the first thing I said to the Lord was to please help me to somehow know that His plan for me is a good plan. Immediately the phrase “in quietness and confidence shall be your strength” came to mind and I decided to further investigate to see more clearly just what that means.
“In returning” means in withdrawal. It means retirement. I have to be able to withdraw now from the wife chapter of my life and retire. Usually a person retires because they choose to retire, but I did not choose to retire from wifehood. That is a difficult thing for me to do after being a wife for two thirds of my entire life.
The phrase “and rest” speaks of having a quiet attitude of rest. Hmmmm…an attitude is something that I decide in my mind. It is something that I feel. It is a personal decision that I make. I have to decide to have an attitude of rest.
As I withdraw from the wife chapter in my life and retire taking on an attitude of rest from it all, I “shall be saved”. I will be victorious in widowhood. What does that mean? I do not begin to know how to be victorious in widowhood. In THE WIDOW’S MIGHT Jan Thompson says, “When He (God) requires of you a new route, a detour you don’t want to take, He will provide the guidance and grace to take it.” On the other side of that new route is freedom from the need to understand what has happened and from despair. It is a place of new beginnings.
Then comes the phrase “in quietness”. Say that word “quietness”. Just the sound of it evokes peace. It is a place of undisturbedness and tranquility; a place where you can just close your eyes and breathe How a widow longs for such a place.
Last is the phrase “in confidence” and that means trusting. There is that word that I have been struggling with for the last fourteen months. My husband’s death shook my trust in God to the very core. Our prayers were not answered the way that we wanted them to be answered and Bob was not healed here on earth. God chose to heal him in heaven and heal him for eternity. That broke my heart. Now I have to choose to trust that God’s way is the best way and believe that His plan is a good plan for me. The alternative is to stay in a place of confusion.
“God, the Master, The Holy of Israel, has this solemn counsel: ‘Your salvation requires you to turn back to me and stop your silly efforts to save yourselves. YOUR STRENGTH WILL COME FROM SETTLING DOWN IN COMPLETE DEPENDENCE ON ME – The very thing you’ve been unwilling to do.’” Isaiah 30:15 The Message
Father, help me to so want an attitude of quiet rest that I will trust You. Help me to take that first step onto the Bridge of Faith where I no longer have that need to understand and am not plagued with confusion. You have required of me a new route and have put me on this detour that I didn’t want to take. Give me the strength to continue taking one step at a time across that bridge toward the victorious life of widowhood – that place of new beginnings.