For the last 35 months I have been completely focused on my grief journey. That journey by no means is finished, but I feel that I need to begin to branch out with this blog that I began first of all as a way of healing for me as well as a source of affirmation and encouragement to other widows.
What direction I am to move towards I am not sure, but my heart is open to whatever God shows me. It recently dawned on me that God has become my very best friend. He’s totally understanding of all of the emotions that I am feeling at any given time and is without judgment. I can just be ME with Him. There is no pretense or need to be what I might think that anyone else desires me to be. I find that to be very freeing.
I have found myself slowing down as I am trying to simply be aware of living out each and every moment seeing it as not only a gift from God, but an opportunity to be who and what He wants me to be in that given second. That’s not how I have lived the first 60 years of my life and I cannot help but wonder about all that I have missed.
Living in the moment takes a conscious effort and a serious awareness. There’s no doubt in my mind that it is something I will have to often remind myself to do. I realize that because my life so drastically changed after the deaths of my husband and both of my parents, I want this unwelcome and totally unplanned season to be even better than it was. I cannot even imagine how that is even possible, but if I am to believe that God can work all things – even the bad things – for my good, then it is a given.
Every second of my existence is an opportunity to open myself up to God., It’s an opportunity to not only let myself be filled up, but to be drawn into the limitless love of God. Any moment of the day can be a place where I can know God more intimately and see Him working in either my life or in the life of someone else.
My relationship with God has definitely changed. It’s as if I am starting all over with Him. I have never doubted my salvation and I’m even more sure that heaven is my eternal destination. But I am moving God slowly but surely into His rightful place. Like my husband Bob kept saying those last few months of his life as he prayed aloud, “It’s all about You, God. It’s ALL about YOU.”
So as I am becoming more of who God has planned for me to be and as the Holy Spirit shares things He wants me to know, I will share with you what I am learning. It may be every day. It may be every few days. Or it may be once a week. I just know that there is more to life than this grief and it’s time to move towards that “more”.
I would like to hear from you what God is showing you no matter where you are in your own grief journey because I know that I am not the only widow He is either carrying or walking beside.
Reflections From My Porch Swing 
My whole soul, spirit and body are with you in this Candy! I have so appreciated your insight and journey through this time in your life and like so many of us, moving into unchartered territory as God chooses to shift the sand beneath our feet, it is a little shaky, but thrilling nonetheless to see what He plans to unearth and where He plans to take us. You are at the summit!
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The words “shifting the sand beneath our feet” says it all and with me being born in Panama City, FL and raised on the Gulf of Mexico in South Texas, it’s a perfect way to describe where I am. Thank you, Kathy, for reading and for your words of encouragement.
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If feels like a corner has been turned and you have moved from the hallway into the banquet room of God’s presence! Well said
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Apryl, your word picture made me cry. Thank you. That hallway has been a long and dark one. I look forward to all of the light in the banquet room.
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Candy, I am so thrilled to see the point you are at now with God and with your new realizations of how life can be good again, and that you are expecting it! I look forward to you continuing to share your journey. I share your sentiments in wanting to see what He has planned for me, and to being who He wants me to be. He has good things ahead for us!
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Thank you, Patty. We are on this journey together. Thank you, too, for reading and for commenting.
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Thank you for sharing where you’re at on your journey of widowhood. Yes, there is life after grief – dare we say it but as believers there is hope and God does have a plan and purpose for each of us no matter how tragic and hard our circumstances. It takes a long while to come to this point often and the Lord knows how hard its been for us (and still is). Ive had to come to the Lord as a child with my faith and its like starting over as a new believer. I look forward to your sharing the next phase of your journey as we encourage and comfort each other. God bless you Candy.
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“There is life after grief”……..I found that so hard to believe, but that realization is the one that hit me as I took a break away from my blog. I think this is something that I am going to be processing for awhile, but this is a start in that direction. Thank you, Karen, for reading and for sharing your heart with me.
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Although my widow’s journey is only 40 weeks long, I am beginning to notice a shift in my perception of the realities I face. Those black days of weeping, curled up in a fetal position, fearful of what is ahead in my future are diminishing. Definitely I am closer to the Lord and often find myself lifting my heart/thoughts heavenward in songs of praise and exclamations of joy. Oh, it still hurts unbearably to look at his things and walk through the garage. And I have yet to clean out his closet. However, I have discovered that I can go a few hours at a time now without thinking directly of my loss. On a subconscious level I am always aware of it, of course, because my life has been completely changed. You know: the single plate at the table (although I still do stand at the stove and eat out of the pan because it hurts to sit alone), the quiet, quiet house during the evening hours, getting groceries and realizing I don’t need to search for his favorite foods, sleeping alone and realizing that I need to wear socks because there is no one to warm my cold feet, the knowledge that the grass doesn’t get mowed unless I do it, and I suppose one of the worst realizations is that I have no one to share my thoughts with. We were married since 1971 and could pick up conversational threads in the middle and complete each other’s sentences, etc.
Like you, I have grown closer to God. He is first in my life and I love the thought that it has become so natural for me to talk to Him often throughout my day. I have found that if I go too long without sitting down to read my Bible and other inspirational devotional material, I began to flounder emotionally. Sort of like Peter when he tried to walk on the water and took his eyes off Jesus, you know?
I think, looking back, that one of the most comforting thoughts for me is that there is nothing that happens to me that hasn’t already gone through the hands of God. He knew, long before it ever happened, that my husband was going to suffer a brief illness and painful death from stage four cholangiocarcinoma, just 79 days after he was diagnosed. And He knows all about it now. Some of my favorite scriptures remind me that He is a defender of widows and also that He will never leave me nor forsake me.
Just in the last few weeks I have noticed a deep, deep peace over things that once would have distressed me. Things like worrying about health insurance after COBRA expires, the decision to return to work or not, or worrying about whether or not the sump pump may fail during a heavy storm or even the current political state of our world. Sometimes I wonder how I will manage if there is an economic collapse, which some authorities are predicting and then I remind myself that I am not in this alone. Jesus is ever present and walking by my side. My hand is in His. Oh what joy to know that, isn’t there?
And then when I think of how scripture prophecy has been fulfilled and that we are so close to His return, all I can think of is that it may not be long that indeed, I will see my husband again.
So–I can hang on–and you can, too!!
I look forward to reading your blog posts as they have always blessed me and encouraged me. One thing I especially appreciated was reading your book reviews, which have prompted me to order some of the books for my own.
May God bless you as you continue to follow Him and perhaps branch out in a new direction. I just want you to know that your blog has been a tremendous comfort to me and I know, without a doubt, that God led me to finding it.
Judy
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Judy, you have so beautifully opened up and shared your heart with us and I thank you for doing that. There is so much we can learn from other widows and I am always open to that.
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Candy, I have so appreciated your blog posts. I am 21 months into my grief process, and I too am discovering a deeper and sweeter relationship with my Lord. I am so looking forward to future blog posts from you.
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Sharon, thank you for sharing a little about your journey and for your kind words.
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Candy, you know I have moved away from focusing on grief and that meant not reading other widows blogs. And I sensed that the Lord was encouraging me to not make grief the focus on my blog. I just knew that following the Lord’s lead and being obedient would be good for me. A lot of healing has taken place this summer. For that I am so thankful.
The title of this post got my attention, and I wondered if it meant change was in the air for you as well. I am thrilled about your beautiful, positive attitude! Living in the moment is challenging , but so rewarding. There is so much joy to be found as we are intentional to search for it everyday.
I am so blessed to know you have reached this “Realization Point” and I look forward to seeing where God will lead you on the next leg of your journey. It will be good as you continue hand in hand with your “very best friend”. You made my heart smile today, my friend. I can’t wait to see how God will use your beautiful gift of writing in the future. Please keep in touch. Love and hugs!
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Candy, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I am 13 months into my grief journey and have noticed a change in my relationship witb God since Dave went to Heaven. When Dave was alive I depended on him for so much and now I have to depend God for everything. He is my husband. Our relationship has become more intimate than ever before. He is helping me to not just move on but to move forward in my journey. I am learning to have peace and to rest more in His presence.
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Hi Mariane. I also depended on Bob for so very much and leaned on him for much of my strength. Aren’t you glad that we have God in our lives. How do other widows without God make it through the loss of their husbands? Thank you for reading and for commenting.
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Hi Renee. The word picture you used of me walking hand in hand with my “very best friend” brings me a lot of comfort. I always loved holding hands. Thank you for your
sweet words and for reading this post and taking the time to encourage me.
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