Bob,
Three and a half years have passed and I miss you as much now as I did the day you died. Grief still ambushes me at times and there’s not a morning that goes by that I don’t become fully conscious and think of you wondering what in the world you are doing up there. I like to close my eyes and really dwell on what heaven must be like, but I know that my imaginations don’t even come close to the truth of it. Oh the joy that awaits those of us down here who know Christ!
My purpose on this earth isn’t finished – whatever that purpose may be. I’m still looking for it, but have finally realized that it’s much less stressful for me to just wake up every day and say, “Lord, make me a blessing to someone today”.
It was suggested to me that more counseling would be beneficial. The girls have gently told me that for awhile, but I couldn’t see the need for it. Someone else helped me to see things more clearly. After researching christian counselors in this area I believe that I have found the right lady for me to work with. Willingly I am ready to do whatever work needs to be done to deal with more issues in my heart and to help me find joy and peace.
Several friendships that I thought were good ones have fallen by the wayside and that has been difficult for me. I have processed through that and accepted that these were friends were in my life just for a time. God knows how fully I commit myself to what I perceive as real friendships and how hard it was for me to move on. But, move on I have and I am grateful for the tools I was given during my first months of intensive grief counseling to help me do that.
I have continued to do things that I would have never tried had you been here with me and have surprised even myself. Some things I have been able to complete alone. Others I have not, but I don’t consider those as failures……just adventures that I needed help with.
There are two new grandchildren who will make their entrance into this world before the year is over. I cannot help but think how very proud and happy you would be. Yet, I also feel some sadness at how those precious little ones will never have the privilege and joy of hearing your big laugh, feeling safe in your arms as you talk to them, enjoy the rides around our big yard out in the country that you would have gladly given them on your John Deere riding mower, or gotten to see how much you love their Mama and Dad and all the rest of our sweet family. I’ll do my part to tell them all about you and show them the collage of your life that is hanging on a wall in my house. You’d be so very proud of all of your grandchildren, Bob. They bring me so much joy and I love lavishing my love on them the best that I can.
Our daughters continue to give their lives being the best wives and mothers that they can be. It makes me smile to see so much of you in them. Sometimes I think they don’t do enough for themselves and I remember how I was the very same way at that time in my life. But, they are so much wiser and spiritually grounded than I was at their age. That’s because of you, you know.
Life is empty without you, but I am working to allow God to somehow fill that void that you left in my life. You asked me a few days before your left this earth if I was going to be okay. I couldn’t answer that question when you asked it because I didn’t want to even entertain the idea that you might go to heaven. Your death has forever changed me and my new counselor tells me that I may never get over it. But, I have a “new normal” now without you. It’s not a normal that I want, but I was not given a choice. God made that choice for me and even though I still cannot see how this could possibly be better for me, I will continue to try to trust that it is.
Here I am facing my 4th Father’s Day without you never dreaming that my first Father’s Day without my dad would also be my first Father’s Day without you. Always and forever I honor you for the influence you had in my life and for the Father that you were to our four daughters. Your legacy lives on!
I’ll see you again!
I’ll see you again!
I’ll see you in heaven some day.
For now it’s good-bye.
With sorrow and sigh.
But I’ll see you in heaven some day!
Reflections From My Porch Swing 
Beautiful. I am at 3 years 10 months and I could have written that letter myself almost word for word. It is a great comfort to see that you also still have those same “moments”, thoughts and feelings. We share so much, Candy!
Carol
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Carol, it’s good for me to know that I am not the only widow feeling this way at this point in the journey. Thank you for sharing that with me.
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Dear Candy, I have only responded one other time, but I need to tell you that I always read your thoughtful comments, and I am always blessed by your love and your honestly. I am 3 years and 3 months out from losing my dear Chandler…Doing well in many ways, but never the same… never again that lighthearted girl I once was…Life seems so serious these days. I might make a move to Denver, to be in the town where 6 grandchildren live…But then I say goodbye to my life here? Friends and Church, but no grandchildren . Praying for God to make the way plan. Pray with me will you Candy?
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Yes, Susan. I will pray that God will help you to know like I did without a shadow of a doubt whether or not you are to move. I know what you mean when you say that life seems so serious now. Thank you for your sweet words and for taking the time to not only read but comment.
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Dear, dear Candy ~ Your letter to your husband touches my heart. It’s just 6 months and 6 days since my dear husband went to be with Jesus. I miss him every single day, and slowly my life is settling into a new and different normal.
God is my strength continually. We did not choose this path we are now walking without our dear husbands, God did, at the time He did. We don’t know His reasons, but we can know that He works all things out and He has promised to never leave or forsake us.
Love and hugs and prayers ~ FlowerLady
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Thank you, Lorraine. Your grief is still so very raw. Yet you continue to put one foot in front of the other trusting God. Your husband would be so proud of you.
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Thanks Candy for sharing your thoughts with us. Recentily I have been thinking we cannot conclude time is the best healer because much as there is truth in this remark but every now and then we feel the very same pain that we felt the time our husbands died, invading our souls. This pain is indescribable. I do appreciate that as days turn into weeks and weeks into months months into years the memories of losing our loving ones is so fresh during the anniversary. I do appreciate what you are going through during this season
Thanks again for reminding me that there are other things we have managed to do since our champions went to glory. It is true that growth do occur in challenging times.As for fathers day my heart ached when I went into the super markets and saw the gifts. But then I think God held my hand and took me to the stall where they were displaying these lovely cards. As i stood there I said a prayer thanking God for allowing my children to know their dad but also reminded God to bless every child who has an abusive father, but also those who are orphans and have nothing and reminded God to keep His promise of being a father to the fatherless. Candy that lifted the heaviness and dread to celebrate fathers days. And I hope tomorrow will be lighter for you me and all the widows and every child who has a very irresponsible father
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Gertrude, so good that you could find something to pray about as you looked at all the cards as well as something to be thankful for. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this post.
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