Early Saturday morning a new grandson was born four weeks early to my #2 daughter and her husband.  My daughter shared with me that as she lay on the operating table, a kindly older anestheseologist sat next to her head wiping her mouth after she was nauseated, drying her tears, and quietly and calmly reassuring her.  I could not help but picture God sitting right there next to her.  And then I pictured her dad sitting there calmly reassuring her.  It’s moments like these that God uses to speak to my heart showing me that He hasn’t forgotten me or my 4 daughters.

This is an emotional week as I come up on the 4th anniversary of Bob’s entrance into heaven.  I am a person that has very vivid dreams. Just this morning I dreamed that I was talking to someone who brought up the subject of transition. As this person tried to explain to me what transition means, my heart broke as I shared with her that the transition since the death of my husband has been so very hard.  I then fell on my knees to the floor and began to sob.  I awoke to a pounding heart and heavy breathing as if I were actually sobbing in reality.

As my morning wore on, I continued to feel a sense of panic that I just couldn’t shake.   So, I did what I have always done in the last four years to calm myself.  I got in my car and drove out into the country for several hours to spend time with God and ask Him what my dream was all about.  As I drove, I turned on Moody Radio and listened to licensed clinical christian counselor Ray Kane talk about triggers in our lives.  One thing he said was:

“A trigger is pain that God allows to surface giving us the opportunity to deal with it so we can connect with God on a deeper level.”

It was then that I realized that my dream was a grief trigger – another pain that God allowed to surface giving me the opportunity to deal with yet more grief so that I can connect with God on a deeper level.  You’d think after 4 years of grief work that my work would be done, but evidently it is still a work in progress.

Transitioning from two grandparents to a single grandmother is not a place I ever expected to be.  Having new grandchildren that will never hear the booming laugh of their grandpa, experience the love that he would have for them, ride with him on his John Deere, listen to him talk to them about how much God loves them — all of these things are never to be and that is extremely painful to me and to my daughters.

It was okay for me to take time today to again grieve this loss and this transition in my life, but I have to choose not to sit in that grief when there is the joy of a new life that has been gifted to our family.  I accept the baton my husband handed off to me in his transition from earth to heaven leaving me here to be sure that my new grandsons know how much he would have loved them, but most of all making sure that they know the love of God.

10 responses

  1. Hello Candy,
    It’s wonderful to see your post pop into my in box today. As usual it was just what I needed to hear. God is working through you to help me along my grief journey and I am also 4 years along the way.
    Thanks so much for being open to His work and passing on His loving help to all of us.


  2. I think one of my toughest grief days was the day my third granddaughter was born, for the same reasons! Those precious babies will never know his love. Yet, God reveals Himself in so many wonderful ways that bring such Joy!!!


  3. Thanks, Candy, for sharing your heart. May the Lord’s presence be very real to you in the coming days as you pass another milestone on your grief journey. I will be praying for you.


  4. Dear Candy ~ Your post touched me, heart and soul. It will be 11 months for me on Saturday, and lately I’ve been reading different writings by widows on this journey longer than I, and God is the one who is their main source of strength, peace, love, hope and even joy. We will always miss our dear husbands, they are the other halves of ourselves. But we are ever being drawn closer to Jesus and that is wonderful, we don’t even know just how wonderful, but one day we will realize he did indeed work all things out and we will know the reasons why.

    Thank you for sharing and for inspiring and encouraging others.



    • Lorraine, it’s hard to believe that your DH has been gone almost a year. There are so many things going in behind the scenes on our behalf that we aren’t ever aware of. I told one of my daughters last night that I wish we could realize more so that we could have a greater understanding of the love of God. Thank you for reading and commenting.


  5. Thanks for sharing. Proverbs 27: 17 says as iron sharpens another iron so is man to a friend. My Understanding of this verse As Iron sharpens another Iron so is a widow to another widow. Candy your biggest strength is your honesty in how you have journeyed on this path of widowhood. Thank you you have helped me. I will pray for you this week .


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