As I was recently having a phone conference with my personal financial adviser, I realized that the curtains of the fog and angst of the last four years are being drawn back and the windows of life are opening. My mind is starting to clear. I am more accepting of this assignment that God has given me. I never thought I would ever say this, but I am becoming okay with being a single woman. It’s almost as if I have been placed back in the time of my life story that I never walked through – that place that is normally experienced in your twenties when you cut the apron strings and launch out on your own.
There is a peacefulness and contentment in this place. I’ve done a lot of hard work both physically and mentally that I believe has enabled me to get where I am. So many times I struggled and thought I would not ever be able to accept my life as it is now. But I have four daughters and their families who are my biggest reasons for me not to give up. These four years have been extra hard on them. They wanted to “fix it” for me, but knew that they didn’t have the capability to do that. This is a job and a work in the heart that only God can do.
I have changed. I find myself more confident in my decisions. The sides of this “box” that I have been settled into for most of my life are falling down as I am willing to step out and not be afraid to try new things. That alone is a huge confidence builder. I realize that I can do new things and be successful.
My relationship with God has changed. Before the death of my husband, my life in every way was performance based. I had such high expectations of myself that I just couldn’t reach and I still struggle with that. But, as I have been thinking about God’s grace, I am slowly learning that His grace is enough. I can be the best person that I can be and do the very best that I can, but I will never reach perfection. And that is okay.
Does all of this mean that I am no longer grieving? Not at all. It just means that I am slowly throwing open the windows of my heart and allowing the light of life to flood inside. I still cry whenever that heaviness for what I no longer have as a wife and daughter take over my heart from time to time , but I am finding that the tears are not as heavy or lasting as long.
What about you? Are you finding that some changes are taking place in your life and your windows are opening to life?