As I was recently having a phone conference with my personal financial adviser, I realized that the curtains of the fog and angst of the last four years are being drawn back and the windows of life are opening. My mind is starting to clear. I am more accepting of this assignment that God has given me. I never thought I would ever say this, but I am becoming okay with being a single woman. It’s almost as if I have been placed back in the time of my life story that I never walked through – that place that is normally experienced in your twenties when you cut the apron strings and launch out on your own.
There is a peacefulness and contentment in this place. I’ve done a lot of hard work both physically and mentally that I believe has enabled me to get where I am. So many times I struggled and thought I would not ever be able to accept my life as it is now. But I have four daughters and their families who are my biggest reasons for me not to give up. These four years have been extra hard on them. They wanted to “fix it” for me, but knew that they didn’t have the capability to do that. This is a job and a work in the heart that only God can do.
I have changed. I find myself more confident in my decisions. The sides of this “box” that I have been settled into for most of my life are falling down as I am willing to step out and not be afraid to try new things. That alone is a huge confidence builder. I realize that I can do new things and be successful.
My relationship with God has changed. Before the death of my husband, my life in every way was performance based. I had such high expectations of myself that I just couldn’t reach and I still struggle with that. But, as I have been thinking about God’s grace, I am slowly learning that His grace is enough. I can be the best person that I can be and do the very best that I can, but I will never reach perfection. And that is okay.
Does all of this mean that I am no longer grieving? Not at all. It just means that I am slowly throwing open the windows of my heart and allowing the light of life to flood inside. I still cry whenever that heaviness for what I no longer have as a wife and daughter take over my heart from time to time , but I am finding that the tears are not as heavy or lasting as long.
What about you? Are you finding that some changes are taking place in your life and your windows are opening to life?
Reflections From My Porch Swing 
Such a good word! Was just thinking the last couple of days I was beginning to feel some of those things myself! It is good to see the light returning isn’t it!
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I have found it good and surprising, Linda. I didn’t think I’d ever get to this place.
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Im beginning to also feel some of these changes and windows opening….it’s been a long journey, but God is faithful and hasn’t forgotten us in our grief….even on the days when we cannot feel Him. Thank you for sharing your thoughts Candy.
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How long has it been for you, Karen?
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3 1/2 years….it will be 4 years in September.
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This was GREAT and how I am feeling too. God loves us so much and I am loving Him more and more.
God’s continued blessings on you dear Candy ~ FlowerLady
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Thank you, Lorraine. May you be blessed as well.
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What a beautiful testament of your courage and God’s grace.
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Thank you, Lynn.
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I have my windows cracked open:) Seriously, God has began a healing in my heart. I still miss Kevin with every beat of my heart, but God is starting to piece back together my broken heart and love me back to life.
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Cracked open is good, Vickey.
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Candy-
I love God more and more and I tell Him all the time that He is my spouse now. But I seem to be falling behind in this journey. I actually feel worse than I did a few months ago. My life seems to go up and down and up and down. Just as I start to think that my windows are opening I get hit with a terrible wave of sadness. This winter has been especially difficult. Our oldest son got married last week and i think that that event was harder for me than any other time- even the week that Michael died. I believe that God protected me right before and right after he died. I was in a protective fog. But now I’m back to not being able to get out of bed in the morning, crying almost every day etc. I know that this wedding set it all off so I’m hoping that I can pull it together with the coming of Spring. Thanks for sharing your experience- it gives me hope. I am 4 1/2 years out.
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Carol,
I understand this so well. When my husband died 3 years ago, I was left with our two boys (almost 13 and 18 at the time) still at home. They still needed me … and to be honest, I needed them to need me now that my husband was gone. They gave me a reason to go on. In some ways, I put my grief on the back burner of my life so that I could keep focusing on their future. When my oldest moved out of the house, it was like another “death”. He was gone and our lives were no longer intertwined. He moved back in 6 months later, but that has been difficult for all of us, especially my younger son, who just turned 16. As widows, I think it is harder for us to allow our children to move on with their lives and celebrate their independence because, for us, it is another “loss” and another area of our identity that has to change. But the “windows” begin to open as we look ahead to that time of life that we always hoped for before we lost our husbands and allow God to give us a new vision for that season of our journey! It’s o.k. to look through that window! The “view” can be very inspiring and encouraging!
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Carol, you just went through a huge life event that definitely triggered those steps backward into grief and understandably so. Could I suggest something that is helping me? My Christian counselor has me listening to a grief CD every day. Here is the link to buy it if you are interested. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1881405435/ref=oh_details_o03_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
We can’t beat ourselves up when those grief triggers hit us again and again. It can happen to us at any time and we have no control over it. All we can do is go through it. And remember, there is no time limit on grief. Grief is so unpredictable and such hard work. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat your own best friend.
Another thing you might be interested in is the first Christian widows conference taking place in November. Here is the information on that.
http://www.awidowsmight.org/2014/02/mark-the-date-a-widows-light-november-conference/
Thank you, Carol, for sharing your truth with us.
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