It has recently dawned on me that since the deaths of my husband and both parents I have been more focused on death than on living life in the here and now. The brevity of life and unexpectedness of death has greatly impacted me. For the first time in my life I had to meet with a lawyer to make out a will. In order to alleviate as much burden as possible from my four daughters my financial adviser helped me make preparations and arrangements should I ever need any type of long-term care. I added my oldest daughter’s name to my checking account. All paperwork possible for end of life details have been signed.
I find myself more concerned about all the different possible future “what if” scenarios than just being able to live in the present and enjoy the moment. In fact I would even go so far as to say that I have become obsessed with making sure that all my ducks are in a row.
It is a firm belief of mine that God does not reveal something to me that I need to work on in my life until He knows that I am in the right place physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually to process through it and make a change. This is one of those times.
My life went from caring for three loved ones to life now as a widow. This has given me a lot of time to think. Now that can be good and it can also be detrimental. The good parts are that I can spend the time I need to really face my issues, process through them and deal with them. The not so good part is that I can get so focused on something that my thinking can become obsessive. My mind can go to the worst case scenario very quickly.
During my last six years of holidays I have done what I felt was best for my daughters and their families. But, the holidays this year were different in a good way. Because I was not feeling well, I spend Thanksgiving alone. This is something that I had needed to do for myself, but had chosen not to do because I did not want to disappoint my family. I used the time alone this year to feel whatever I needed to feel and found that it was a very peaceful day.
Between Thanksgiving and Christmas my daughter and her family from Missouri came to spend a little over a week visiting with me and the other two daughters who live in the area. Being able to spend time with my Missouri grandsons and seeing how much they have grown and changed between each visit is a joy. I always think about how much Bob would have loved them and how they would have loved Bob. I especially loved it this time when my five year old grandson Cole told me “I have a grandpa in heaven“. This meant that my daughter is keeping her dad’s memory alive in the hearts of her sons who were born after Bob went to heaven and that brings me so much joy.
Christmas Eve was spent with one of my brothers and his family. We had a very simple meal of several homemade soups which are my favorite comfort food. It was a very quiet, relaxing and enjoyable evening spent reminiscing and laughing about our childhood holidays with our family, grandparents on both sides, aunts, uncles and cousins. Christmas day brunch was spent with my oldest daughter and her family. There was quiet conversations, a time where gifts were opened, a meal featuring everyone’s favorites and a time of games that were played.
Between Christmas and New Year my daughter from Georgia and her three sons came up to visit for a few days. I love how much my four daughters desire to spend time together and how very hard they work to make sure that their children have as close a relationship as possible. All nine of my grandchildren ages one to seventeen have a very special connection and love to spend time with each other several times a year.
Ferree Hardy challenged widows to dress up a special jar and put it some place where it can be seen every day. Before going to bed at night, write down one blessing that has occurred that day. I have decided to take that challenge as one way to help redirect my focus on life and to tell my heart to beat again.
I do not know just how God is going to change my focus from death to life nor just how He is going to restore life and joy to me, but I do know that He continues to speak to my heart and will not shake His head at me in shame or disgust. Yes, I struggle every day with so many things. Yet, God continues to gather me up in His arms and assure me that He “gets it“, He loves me and will never ever leave me or forsake me.
In what ways has God been working in your life to help you tell your heart to beat again? Listen as remarried widower Danny Gokey shares the song Tell Your Heart to Beat Again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUHRDCYnFfg
Broken like you’ve never been before
The life you knew in a thousand pieces on the floor
Words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never going to get back to the you you used to be.Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away, step into the light of grace
Yesterdays a closing door you don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
Tell your heart to beat againBeginning just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now, love’s healing hands will pull you through
So take one step, look back up
See the rise and feel the sun
Because your stories far from over and your journey’s just begun
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away, step into the light of grace
Yesterdays a closing door you don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
Tell your heart to beat again
Let every heartbreak and every scar
Be a picture to remind you, who has carried you this far
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
This moment He is working everything out for your good
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away, step into the light of grace
Yesterdays a closing door you don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
Tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
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Reflections From My Porch Swing 