When my husband died, it was personal and for a few days until we buried him, everything seemed focused on my needs and wants. My grief is personal and that part is also about me. It’s nothing that can really be shared with anyone else in my life.
I find it is hard in a way not to have my thoughts centered on me and I think that is because I have been thrown into this strange place all alone. Even my thoughts about God seem more focused on me……much more personal like it’s only God and I. I don’t know if that is good or bad, but it’s the way it is now.
That does not mean that I have no thoughts of others because I very much do. God gave me a heart and a passion for others that has not burned out since the death of my husband. In fact, it has increased. But, in order for me to get some healing from my heartbreak, I have had to turn inward, come away from others, and have it just be me and God. I’m not sure how long it’s supposed to be like this, but it’s the way that it is at this time.
I no longer think in terms of “we” or “us”. I think in terms of “me” because it IS just me living this life alone. And I feel like God and I are tucked away on a distant island until I get to wherever I am supposed to get in the healing of my broken heart.
Psychologist Lara Honos-Webb says,
“There comes a time in the process of grief when grieving no longer means dwelling on the emptiness of loss. After a period of grieving and honoring the stages of grief, the emptiness of loss becomes an opening into the fullness of all that was and in some mystical sense still is.
The stages between feeling the emptiness and the fullness of loss can take months, years, or decades depending on the individual. But the time spent grieving is not wasted.
Grieving is like polishing rare stones and jewels. The process of going over and over the memories creates a rare and beautiful jewel, the true beauty of which had not been previously realized. There are lessons here for the life you are living now.
Part of grieving is reflecting on what seemed like ordinary moments and realizing how essentially meaningful those moments were. Whether they are memories of simple meals shared or singing silly songs together, in the face of loss you realize that these were among the most significant moments of your life.
These realizations can affect your current day-to-day life. Each encounter in your present life can now be seen as a diamond in the rough. You no longer need to wait until the tragedy of loss occurs to see the intensity and light of the present moment. After many rounds of intense grieving, you may see that previously mundane, unremarkable moments can become transformed into events of momentous splendor. You may become determined not to miss such momentous events in the present unfolding of your life. Grieving trains you to liberate the splendor possible in each moment.”
What a beautiful thought that I am polishing rare stones and jewels as I go over and over memories that will result in the creation of a rare and beautiful stone! I believe that stone will be what God is now making of my life in this place that He has put me.