Without Anesthetic

(Written 1 1/2 years into my grief journey)

“The Lord is nigh to them that are of a broken heart….” Psalm 34:18  “He heals the broken in heart and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

On the morning of November 10^th, 2009, the moment my husband’s heart stopped, God operated on my heart without anesthetic.  I have never known a pain so deep nor so lasting.  Going through natural childbirth four times does not even come close to comparison.  That pain lasts only a few hours.  This pain is ongoing and is still with me one and one half years later although at times it seems to a lesser degree and not as constant.

How long will it take for my heart to heal or will it ever heal?  Will I always feel this way?  Will there ever again be a time when I read God’s Word or hear it read and not say in my heart  “But this didn’t happen for us!”  Will I ever stop questioning God when I hear certain scriptures and say to Him “Is this really true?” or  “Does this only happen to certain Christians?”  I suppose that I am still angry with God to continue to be questioning Him.  Will my anger ever go away?  Will I ever really get the promises of God?

My life was not supposed to be this way.  After all, God created my husband for me and then brought him to me.  He gave us a deep love for each other and a lifelong commitment to each other.  He made me feel so very safe and gave me such a sense of security.  He was forever strong in his love and in his faithfulness to me.  How could God decide that my husband’s assignment here on earth was done and that it was finished at the young age of fifty-eight?

The word heart occurs 833 times in the King James version of the Bible.  There is no doubt in my mind that God understands every facet of my heart and its emotions.  His own words describe it as prideful, deceitful, hard yet tender, sorrowful, faithful, glad, presumptuous, wise, thoughtful, soft, singing with joy, trembling, understanding, firm as a piece of stone yet like wax that melts,  upright, truthful, rejoicing or full of enlarged troubles, fearful and trustful just to name a few.   He knows just how very fragile and breakable it is.

After all, God made my heart just the way it is and He knew on that fateful morning just what my heart’s reaction would be and how it continues to be.  David tells me in Psalms 34:18 that God is intimately near those whose hearts have been violently broken, shattered, and crushed and there are no better words to describe my heart on that day.

But His Word does not stop there.  It goes on to tell me in Psalm 147:3 that He bandages up my hurts, pain and sorrows and heals my literal heart distresses and all the emotions of my inner person that includes my mind, my reflections, and my memories.   That is a big job and any widow knows it.

And so I wait.  I can finally feel the bandages now on my heart.  Yes, the pain is still prevalent but not as constant.  So, some healing must be taking place as I continue to put one foot in front of the other every moment of every day and wait for God to finish the job.

Oh God, help me because I am still unsure of Your Word.  I am unsure of the interpretation of it and what exactly You are saying.  I don’t want to still be angry and distrustful of You.  I KNOW that You are my greatest and only true source of help.  I know that, Lord.  I believe You, Lord, but help my unbelief.  I need You so!